I was thinking about what my next blog would be and I began to write. I woke up the next morning and what I had written didn’t sit well with me. I began to pray “God what is it that you want me to write about. This blog is not about me it is to glorify you. So what is it that you want me to say”, and I heard God say “Go back.” So immediately I knew that everything that I had written the night before was a waste and I had to begin again.
The blog I had written did go back but more of a story, telling of the circumstances that I was living at the time but God was telling me to actually go back to that place and to those emotions. He wanted me to experience those feelings. Instead of telling what happened tell what was happening. See sometimes we have to go back to where we were to realize how far we have come. So I tried to find a journal from that time to refresh my memory but there wasn’t one. It dawned on me during that time I wasn’t writing. For years I did not write.
I have been a writer for as long as I can remember. According to my mother I composed my first poem when I was two. Writing was an innate gift that I was given. I was born with it. It is programmed into my DNA and for over 8 years I did not write a single word. That realization took my breath away.
It left me asking; what was going on that for 8 years I did not put pen to paper. I am still asking myself that very question. As I am writing this blog I am pondering how could that be…what was happening. So it made sense what God was telling me to do: instead of telling what happened tell what was happening.
During this time in my life when God, who was my fuel, was absent from me I became frozen. God is the origin of inspiration, creation, and realization. He fuels our gifts and passions. Fuel produces movement, power, flow, fire. If you do not fuel a fire it burns out.
I had chose to move so far away from the source of my fire that my flame had been extinguished. All my energy was being muted, scattered, or evaporated. There was nothing or no one to fill me up yet there was always people…always.
I lived with someone who was not a believer. Because of the path I had chosen our paths crossed and he became an intricate part of my life. My friends, most of them were unbelievers or either lukewarm Christians and there was nothing really good in any of the relationships that were in my life at that time.
I lnow now that everything good comes from God. If God is not in something then it is not good. I thought it was good, it presented itself as good…but obviously it wasn’t.
The people in my life back then brought an energy that was thick with confusion, avoidance and chaos. Their lives were like a tornado that I let myself become swept away with. I was consumed with drugs, alcohol…those became daily occurrences. Anything to help me avoid the stress of simply living. I felt like everything that had to be accomplished even if it was just the day to day tasks was all on my shoulders. I chose to carry the burdens.
I didn’t know surrender. I didn’t know give your burdens to God. I didn’t know where strength comes from. That it freely flows from our Lord and savior Jesus Christ and so I carried everything.
I look back to then and I wonder how is it that I did not see the truth of my situation. How is it that I chose to be so blind to who I was? I was frozen in that place…slowly dying. How did I exist there in that place with no peace, no solace…no God? It was my inability to see that was killing me.
Peace to me now is what chaos was to me then. I lived in disorder, pandemonium, and mayhem…and of course it would be. God is the author and creator of peace…He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. That very quote quiets my very soul and breathes life into me. Without God there is no peace.
The me now could not withstand the weight of the me then and yet when I lived in then for years I was content there. Until this moment I had never taken an honest look at then. I had never lived in the happening of then. What was happening then… I was becoming tired, angry, numb and bitter. Bitterness will kill a soul faster than anything else. I was so bitter and I had been for a long time, because bitterness is what anger turns into if left to fester.
So God’s question to me “What was happening?”What was happening …my soul was dying. I was dying and now in hindsight I can see the symptoms.
The symptoms of a dying soul:
- Your gift is extinguished. You don’t paint anymore, you don’t sing anymore, you don’t write anymore, there is no fire, no inspiration.
- Chaos and confusion is the norm. You don’t know peace because you don’t have it enough for it to be familiar.
- If you have peace it is far and few between and it is marked by avoidance.
- Avoidance behavior become daily occurrences…you can even call them addictions. Drugs , alcohol, some people even become addicted to the drama and chaos.
- The people you surround yourself with will consume you. Their lives are full of confusion because God is not present.
- You can go days, weeks, years where God is never a topic of conversation. If he is a thought he is never something that the people that surround you are concerned with.
- Every decision you make is of your own volition. What would God want me to do never enters your mind.
- Everything that must be accomplished is on your shoulders. Every burden is yours. There is no surrender to God or anyone else.
- There is an inability to be honest with oneself. Which is an inability to change. The only time we stop changing is when we die.
- Bitterness is one of the biggest signs of a dying soul
Signs of bitterness:
- You think the world owes you something. The what about me syndrome is what I call it.
- You compare what you have to others. For me it was the question of why was I the one who had to lose my mother when these people still have theirs.
- You talk about people; I talked about God constantly. I spent the majority of my time trying to disprove his existence.
- You confuse surrender with weakness and control with strength.
- When we act without prayer it is a waste of time.
- Our gifts and our passions must be fueled.
- God is the origin of creation, inspiration, and realization.
- Sometimes we have to go back to where we were to realize how far we have come.
- Everything good comes from God so if God is not in it then it is not good and anything contrary to God’s word is not of God.
- Anger becomes bitterness if left to fester.
- Bitterness will kill a soul faster than anything else.
- A frozen environment will kill you unless you change seasons.
- Never forget what was happening…
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